It's hard sometimes knowing whether you have true friends.. or whether your friends were just with you cause you were a funny person to be around. Somtimes I just feel so left out and alone. It's sad because friends are incredibly important to me. I've never stayed in a place long enough to grow up with anyone. The friends I did have were always lost when I moved. Moving from high school to college is no different. I have a lot of friends from high school but even some of my "best" friends have just moved on and don't really seem to care about anyone but themselves and maybe their boyfriend or girlfriend. I just get tired of caring so much for people and trying to be the absolute best friend I can, and what do I get in return? Friends that won't answer their phones when I call, won't text me back, won't call me back, just basically want nothing to do with me until we're around each other and then they're great for about a day.. acting like I'm their best friend, until something better or more important comes along and I'm out of the picture. I remember when friends were people you could call when you were upset, people who would pay for your stuff if you didn't have any money, people who wanted to hang out with you and not just because you called them.. but because they called you. What happened to those people? It seems like I'm the only person that's like that anymore. I would do anything for my friends, anything. That's how I was raised. Friends aren't meant to be used. Don't even call yourself someone's friend if you won't even bother to talk to them. That's obsurd. I just get so confused sometimes. Why do I put up with it? Why don't I just tell people off and be done with it? Why do I keep coming back and trying to be the best friend I can only to be hurt all over again? I wish I could be that person that just doesn't care. That person that can just go through life not caring whether he has friends or not. I'm not that person and I'm not like that. To me, a life without friends is a miserable existence. I just get so hurt sometimes. I don't even know what to do. I wish I could just bottle all my feelings up and just go about my business but worrying about whether I have friends or not. I dunno, I could go on about this all day long.. it most likely will never change. I'll always be the one doing everything for everyone else.. and I'll always be the one hurt in the end.  

Psalm 139 (MSG)

A David Psalm

   ^{1 -6} God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand.
   I'm an open book to you;
      even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking.
   You know when I leave and when I get back;
      I'm never out of your sight.
   You know everything I'm going to say
      before I start the first sentence.
   I look behind me and you're there,
      then up ahead and you're there, too—
      your reassuring presence, coming and going.
   This is too much, too wonderful—
      I can't take it all in!

   ^{7 -12} Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
      to be out of your sight?
   If I climb to the sky, you're there!
      If I go underground, you're there!
   If I flew on morning's wings
      to the far western horizon,
   You'd find me in a minute—
      you're already there waiting!
   Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
      At night I'm immersed in the light!"
   It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you;
      night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you.

   ^{13 -16} Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
      you formed me in my mother's womb.
   I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
      Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
      I worship in adoration—what a creation!
   You know me inside and out,
      you know every bone in my body;
   You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
      how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
   Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
      all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
   The days of my life all prepared
      before I'd even lived one day.

   ^{17 -22} Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful!
      God, I'll never comprehend them!
   I couldn't even begin to count them—
      any more than I could count the sand of the sea.
   Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!
      And please, God, do away with wickedness for good!
   And you murderers—out of here!—
      all the men and women who belittle you, God,
      infatuated with cheap god-imitations.
   See how I hate those who hate you, God,
      see how I loathe all this godless arrogance;
   I hate it with pure, unadulterated hatred.
      Your enemies are my enemies!

   ^{23 -24} Investigate my life, O God,
      find out everything about me;
   Cross-examine and test me,
      get a clear picture of what I'm about;
   See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong—
      then guide me on the road to eternal life.